NY residency afterthoughts
I didn’t post last week because I needed time to digest what I experienced in New York. It’s difficult to express within few words what I experienced. Specially after the presentation, where one of my initial thoughts was “it can’t be that bad”. But it was. May be not because of the externalized factors or comments from the reviewers. But because of my feelings about my work. I didn’t love it anymore. If I ever loved it, if I ever was curious about light shapes with deep roots as artificial life, I didn’t anymore.
It made me feel sick. Like I was saying I was someone I was not. While my curiosity in what is alive and how do we connect with creations is genuine, I felt others were judging me and saying I should not even try to produce art. I am not saying anyone said that. Not in those terms, at least. But I was discouraged by how I internalized the process of creating with my heart but feeling I will never be able to get my feelings to others.
Somehow an idea got into my mind that no one in the room during my presentation really understood what I feel for the creatures I create nor why I feel their behavior fascinating. May be if I am able to appeal to the storytelling side I will get others to see things from my point of view. It certainly felt weird to be talking about whether a thing is alive or intelligent when the others see it only as a thing.
I am glad that at least I have been able to narrow down my own thoughts to a subset that is very profound to me. If what I make is not a thing anymore, what is it? Furthermore, if it’s not only a thing how did that happen? May be we are not that special nor so intelligent as we used to think. It feels oppressing not to be able to communicate this idea in the same way I feel it.